I am lucky enough to be a part of my dear friend Nancy’s bridal party. I adore Nancy, so it’s fabulous to see her so excited and happy. This was our little crew, before we head out into the heat of Virginia.
Notice the lack of fluffiness in our hair. Cherish it, it barely lasted. We went out to a burger joint, and then to an Asian restaurant where they have something called The Volcano.
This was the volcano. It was a mixed beverage with alcohol that was on fire in that center. It was intense, and meant for multiple people. Between the seven of us, we ordered two of these bohemiths. I promised Nancy that I would have one drink at the beginning of the night, but only took a few sips of it because it was a little too sweet for my tastes, and clearly had copious amounts of alcohol. I really never drink anything if I’m going to be driving, because I’m 100 percent convinced I could NEVER pass a field sobriety test stone sober. I had sparkling water with lemon for the rest of the night, which is SUPER fun to order at a bar. I always get a look of “Seriously?” But whatevs, you don’t know my life. You don’t know me, bartender.
We had a fabulous night celebrating Nancy, and I ended up heading home a little after midnight. I was exhausted. I’d been up cleaning and running around all day, and I was feeling it. Since I live very much in the boondocks and the roads back to my house are very windy. I turned onto a side road about halfway home and saw the dreaded flashing lights behind me.
I am terrified of the police. I don’t know why; I’ve never been in any trouble or anything. I just see the cops and clench my wheel with fervor. I have friends that are cops, but man. Not cool if you’re driving behind me, clearly typing my info in. Don’t bro me like you know me. I also have a tendency to cry when I get pulled over. I got pulled over in a national park once because the cop said I should have “yielded to the oncoming vehicle rather than go around the cyclist.” I started to cry. He awkwardly scolded me a little more and then fled, clearly afraid of tears. No ticket. All that to say, when I am normally rested, I notice the police fairly quickly.
Complicating matters, I have a bit of an honesty issue. I’m too honest. And your sitting there saying, “That’s a virtue, Andrea!” OH no. Not me. I’m the type that can’t tell a lie. I might not say “Yes” when asked “Do I look fat in this dress?” But I might say, “Wellllll, it’s not a very flattering cut.” I’m just honest. If I don’t like you, you know it. I do not fake it. At least you know where you stand with me, right? Right. I’m gonna tell myself it’s a virtue-ish. Now, had most people been pulled over and had what was literally four small sips of a mixed drink more than FIVE hours before, they probably would have simply told the officer, “Nope, not a drop.” Unfortunately, I am me. SO when the officer came up to my window, it played out differently.
“Good evening ma’m, I pulled you over tonight because you crossed the double yellow line a few times.”
“Oh…did I? I’m really tired…”
“Uh huh…where you coming from?”
“Bachelorette party…” (I said that smiling, because I didn’t want to start crying. In retrospect, it may have appeared a drunk-smile)
“I see. Have you been drinking tonight, ma’m?”
“I ummmm…I had a few sips of my friend’s drink.” (Again, a smile.)
“Ok ma’m, I’m gonna have to ask you to step out of the vehicle. (Here he said something really fast that I couldn’t understand cause he turned his head away, but it was something about the legal level of alcohol cause I heard him say .8) Do you mind taking a breathalyzer?”
“No…are you gonna give me one?”
“Yes mam. Have you ever had one before?”
“Nope! New experience for me.” (My excitement was probably a little too evident here, because as previously stated, I’m not going to be able to say the alphabet backwards under any circumstances.)
“Ok ma’m, please blow into this tube. BLOWBLOWBLOWBLOWBLOW”
BEEEEEEEEP. The readout said, “0.0″
“Ok mam…you really didn’t….(awkward silence here) Well, thanks for being honest.”
He looked a little disappointed.
“Did I blow a 0.0?” I asked, chuckling.
“Yeah. Have a good night, try and keep it on the right side of the road.”
Yeahhhh I wasn’t drinking. But dang, I suck at driving. I thanked him (I’m not sure for what) and he double checked that he gave me my license back. It was truly uneventful, other than to remind me yet again, that I’m a terrible driver.